Staying at Home – Pandemic Week 5

How are you doing? No, really. How are you doing? It is hard to avoid our feelings these days. Sometimes we feel them in our bodies, like a tightening in our chest or shoulders, or a headache, or discomfort in our gut. Often we don’t notice those body sensations as much as we notice our acting out behaviors. Acting out behaviors are those that don’t align with our personal values. For example, one mom cried this week as she told me about yelling at her young kids. She said “I never yell at my kids! I work hard at that!” Another client said a friend criticized how she was social distancing, and it made her feel judged. I asked how she responded, and she said she shut down and ended the conversation. These are both examples of acting out our feelings. The process of acting on our feelings serves to relieve the discomfort of the feeling but is often followed by negative thoughts about ourselves. These are unusual and unprecedented times. We may be feeling angst, worry, fear, frustration, or powerlessness. We are overwhelmed with the dramatic changes in our lives and our fear of what is ahead. People develop different strategies to manage these high emotions. Our culture has glorified the stiff-upper-lip philosophy. Many adults of my generation grew up in families where there were no feelings allowed. The mantra was to do what you should, put a smile on your face, and everything will be fine. Research shows that children fare better when expressing feelings is an integral part of family life. Families are messy. It’s a good thing. It is not healthy for them to be neat and perfect. There are unavoidable obstacles in life. Our children can manage hard times. It is good for their development. They don’t need perfect parents. They need real parents who try and fail and apologize and keep going. This is one of the most important things for a parent to model. But, how else will our children learn to manage difficulty or failure? I have heard about meltdowns this week, especially in homes with parents who are working from home and parenting young children. I saw a Facebook post from one mom who courageously asked other moms if they were struggling and got many responses echoing her feelings. Real human emotion is unavoidable, particularly during these crazy times. In March, we buckled down to keep ourselves and our communities safe. After five weeks, our perspectives have become more complex. We are worried about the future. How does this end? How will we ever not be scared? What will be the permanent changes? Each week we mourn the loss of friends and loved ones as well as events, celebrations, holiday customs, and so much more. We think about the time we’ve lost and what we had hoped to accomplish during it. We’re not sure what day it is. We are hyper-vigilant about safety and have foggy brain about so many other things. It helps to acknowledge our feelings to ourselves. It’s OK. Right now, we are OK. We will do what we need to when we have to. We always have, and there is no reason to think that we won’t now. We can acknowledge our feelings and not spoil this moment worrying about what happens next. When “next” gets here, we will deal with it.